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Apr. 14th, 2004

since December 2003

In the meadows we can build a snow man...

Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. I am sitting on my laptop at my aunt/uncle's home waiting for a good time to retire for the evening. I'm contemplating sleeping around 2am but I have not decided yet. What I've decided to do in the meantime is to compose this journal entry! It is our family tradition to celebrate Christmas Eve with my mother's side of the family in the Bay Area, we have done this every year. This year is a little different because my aunt had much fewer guests at her home, primarily family this year. The large party was thrown two weeks ago. My sister is home from Oregon for a few days so I hope to spend some time with her. I am going to visit my friend Renee (
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Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. I am sitting on my laptop at my aunt/uncle's home waiting for a good time to retire for the evening. I'm contemplating sleeping around 2am but I have not decided yet. What I've decided to do in the meantime is to compose this journal entry! It is our family tradition to celebrate Christmas Eve with my mother's side of the family in the Bay Area, we have done this every year. This year is a little different because my aunt had much fewer guests at her home, primarily family this year. The large party was thrown two weeks ago. My sister is home from Oregon for a few days so I hope to spend some time with her. I am going to visit my friend Renee (<lj-user=redwren>) Friday as I have not seen her for nearly a year (11 months). We've known each other for about 6 years now, almost as long as I have known my dear friend Forrest and I do appreciate her company immensely. I met Renee at a Junior Statesmen of America conference and we have been in contact since. I was talking to her today about school and she's now a senior at UCSD. I had to have her repeat what she told me for verification, she is barely three months older than me and will already be graduating college. She says she would like to attend for the entire four years, so she may not be graduating until the 2004-2005 school year. My does time fly. When I last saw Forrest we talked briefly about being out of high school for nearly two years and how we might have changed.. I sincerely people see me as a stronger person than I was in high school. I have tried to hone my social skills and make it a point to go out with the few friends I have. In high school I knew many people but never really went out with any of them minus Forrest.

I am heading to the Sheraton Palace tomorrow in my pimpin' new suit for their holidy dinner (that just happens to fall on Christmas but they have to call it "holiday"). I do hope the $100 dinner is, well, worth the $100. My parents made my Christmas present the new suit they got me and this dinner. My family now attends with a party of 15, $1500 spent on dinner.. DAMN. It is nearly 2am so I shall conclude this entry. Good evening everyone.


Hellooooooooooo, finished up with finals to travel back home from Chico last Friday and spend the evening with Jeanette and her friends to celebrate her college graduation. Saturday I was awoken wee early in the morning so my father, mother, and I could drive down to Pasadena to visit my grandmother and aunt for a holidy dinner at her retirement home. We arrived in LA around 2:30p and I promptly took a nap, went out around 5pm to visit my grandmother and after the dinner my aunt, father, mother, and self went to a local movie theatre and watched American Splendor. I recommend this film to anyone who has the chance to see it in the theater or at home. It has much wit and is very clever in its portrayal of the famous comic book's humble beginnings and includes three versions of Harvey Pekar(the author). There is no reason why the film should be rated R so don't let the rating scare you. I slept most of Sunday and then began the drive back to Sacramento that afternoon. We arrived in Sacramento around 8:30pm and I promptly got ahold of some friends to see if we could hang out at True Love. We played a game called Ingenionif and then I headed home. I have not slept since Sunday and am preparing for a nice sleep this evening.

Today was spent over at an old friend's house for a movie party. We watched all three Indiana Jones and a few other films including Blade and Monty Python's Holy Grail. I cuddled with a gal I got along with at the party briefly and had a really fun time. I hope I will be able to hang out with this group before I head back to Chico January 26th. Future plans include driving up north to visit my sister, friends in Portland, and my cousins in Seattle.


My LiveJournal 12 Days
My True Love gave to me...
12 01011000101s a-glaring.
11 akoyas a-spitting.
10 cherrysluts a-sulking.
9 cillas a-squatting.
8 dovees a-crunching.
7 halfchinezs a-commenting.
6 hippie56s a-grunting.
5 white jennypoo98s.
4 ranting n33ts.
3 Italian poorprncesstinas.
2 hamster pureliquids.
And a redwren in a apple tree.
Get gifts! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Dec. 8th, 2003

Subject: Student Deaths
From: President
To: Campus and Community

I am deeply saddened to inform you of the deaths of two of our
students. Christopher W. Herrmann, a junior pre-business major, died
Friday night, and Cole Eugene Bryan, a freshman, died yesterday.

Our hearts go out to their family and friends. Losing a student is
terribly difficult whenever it happens, but it strikes us particularly
hard at this time of year. We care very much about every one of our
students, so we all share in the grief. The Counseling Center is
available to meet with anyone who wishes to talk about these deaths.
We will all work together to get through this difficult time.

When we have further information about memorial services, we will pass
that along to you.

I was concered about receiving one of these e-mail last night when a train halted to a stop @ 11:30pm..

Although I had no personal connection to these two students, I understand what a loss like this feels like. This is sad.

"You die three times in your life, once when you are physically dead, once when you are laid to rest, and a third when there is nothing to remember you by."


I broke up with Amanda last night. We've had a rough relationship here and there for the past year and a half and she has tried to end the relationship three times before. I fought against this because I really, really, really love her. There was a point the last time she tried to break up with me where my feelings about Amanda and who she was totally changed. I saw a person who was entirely different than the Amanda I knew... someone who was amazing and truly cared about me. This is not to say Amanda had not done this before, but a lot of times when I was speaking with her it felt like I was never reaching her being. We made the decision to restart our relationship that night and I realize now that we never really did. After a few weeks we were back to our old routines and habits. We did not give each other enough time to develop emotionally. I want to see, hear, touch, and feel the Amanda I saw almost seven months ago everyday.

Amanda and I showed signs of co-dependency, that is, we could not be happy without each other. This is not a good thing in a relationship and if the only thing that can change it is this, then let it be so. I told Amanda last night if, at my next birthday, I truly felt I loved her and she loved me, that I would never be apart from her again. A year is a very long time, but it is necessary sometimes to get past our problems in life. The probability of me meeting someone who meets my expectations in a relationship are next to nothing, but do not think I broke up with Amanda just for her. I need to be able to live without my emotions being pulled from me everytime I talk to Amanda on the phone or see her in person.

Amanda has locked up against me and what I have to say several times and everytime I let it slide. The only thing I cannot stand is not being heard. I hurt very much when people totally shut me out because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong.When you have the feeling that you're the only one caring in the relationship, something is wrong. Amanda has been there for me a lot of times, but I have always been there for her. I've always showed undying caring and love towards her. She and I are both very young and had a strong relationship for nearly two years. But if I left these issues unchecked they could waver out of control. I have tried talking to Amanda, but like I said she locks up a lot goes into denial about her problems or just accepts them as if they'll never change. I hope everything works out.. I miss her so much.

the writer

I have known you for a little under two years and since I have met you, my life has been a different place. I did not think much about the circumstances of us meeting, but I see now how they are totally unreal. The night I went to visit you for coffee outside your work was a Sunday. I had school the next day and should not have even been out. I lied to my parents about where I was going and where I had been that night. Whatever force pushed me to keep my word and visit you in Roseville, nearly thirty minutes from my home, is pushing me to write this now.

I cannot claim to know you or any of your past experiences. I reflect on my life and my actions towards you from time to time and see things I could have done better. I do not understand many things about myself such as why I feel so much for others. Sometimes I just want to be like other people. I don't want to care so much for our world. I try to balance my emotions with my day to day experiences. I make a lot of excuses why I don't always live up to other's expectations when the truth is, I don't really know. I always seem to have something to say and when I don't, I feel out of place. I have made many promises to you and many times they have been broken. My brain always gets ahead of itself and I say what I want, not what I can do. I should know better. I want you to be happy. I want you to have the life you've always wanted. I want to take care of you for the rest of our lives. I am empathetic. I absorb other people's emotions. There is no switch for my empathy. It is impossible for me to ignore reactions, emotions, and tragedy. I am drawn to these like a moth is drawn to a flame. When I am not well received, I cannot understand. "My passion for others is not welcome?" I think.

Your presence in my life has helped me to see many of my faults. This is not always a good thing, because I have hurt you in the process. I never want to see you leave my life. You have been there for me when I have been down. When my grandfather passed away and I was the only memeber of my family in town, you were there to take care of me. When my friend Patrick passed away, you were there to take care of me. When I had a kidney stone, you were there to take care of me. I have truly found an amazing individual. One who matches my passion for life. I have never doubted your ability to love. I hope my letter is received well.

Love always,

Happy Birthday to Me!

I've moved home for the week (holidays) and celebrated my birthday last Sunday (the 23rd). I am now a whopping twenty years old. Somedays I feel like I have hundreds of years of experience packed into this body, makes me think why some people grow at different paces than others. I account a lot of development to my environment, maybe I should give it more credit. Upbringings have a huge affect on your life whether you acknowledge it or not. I was over at my girlfriend's home today and watched her brother act hilariously funny with his personality and style. Then Amanda's parents came home and I watched her father act exactly the same way. I am strikingly similar to my father accept I'm as passionate as my mother is to her teaching.

I have also been getting the feeling I need to write more about my experiences, I really do like to share them with others but it's difficult for me to focus on one task. I really want to write a book about my life so my insights could perhaps help other people or lead them in a new way. I am the culmination of many great personalities and characteristics my family members have and as a whole am satisfied with my existence. I view this world as inherently good and will never put it past a person or group of individuals to succeed in life. We are all victims of circumstances; however, we do not have to live in the world we are given. Human beings have the ability to change their world to something they enjoy or at least can sustain a living in. Unfortunately, a lot of people are told they are failures and setup for disappointment when such minor things as grade reports come in. I saw students in high school and at Chico State frantically studying for exams, if they fail on these exams this somehow makes them feel less of a person and not as intelligent as others. This has been drilled into our society since our first day of school and is not a good thing. Classifying individuals has never been good.

One of the things that pains me most are people who do not care about their life or the world they live in. As long as they can live their lives, they do not care what is going on around them. Maybe their actions may not change a thing about our existence, but I know that is not true. Everything has a beginning and an end, every new moment in life is caused by the actions of another.

Just a few nights ago I was driving home from a local coffee house called True Love and a driver on the highway drifted into my lane and caused me to spin out across five lanes of traffic rotating about 540 degrees. If this individual had bothered to look, he or she would have noticed my car next to him and I would not have been put in such grave danger. I cannot believe I drove home from a spinout across a highway in a major city like Sacramento. I have never denied the existence of a higher power and believe to this day that our existence is the result of a greater entity. Moments in my life where I have been put in grave danger or where I feel like I am alone have always been bufferred by momentous occasions such as meeting my wonderful girlfriend, Amanda or seeing my cousins have two beautiful children. I use the term lucky every once in awhile but I don't really believe in luck... as I mentioned before "we are all a victim of circumstances." There are many religious beliefs out there and they all mention similar values. These values have been written over the years to help guide us in our lives and show those who perhaps cannot fathom the concept of a greater being how we should live with each other. I love this world and would not exchange it for another, a lot of decisions being made recently disturb me, but I have faith in my country because I know there are individuals like myself (Paul Harvey for example) who have a much stronger voice at this moment.

I carry a lot of information and share it freely with others in the hopes that my words start a chain reaction that betters everyone's lives.

Goodnight everyone.

From your girlfriend...

Dearest Patrick...

By the time you read this, I will be gone.
Back to Sacto... Trying to make it one more week.
Everytime, I wish I could live in your closet,
just so I could be close to you.
I truly hope that you are feeling better.
I hope that your hospital visit wasn't all that bad.
I am sorry that I started to cry tonite.
I just care so much for you.
I never want to see you in any sort of pain.
I wish I could take any pain away
so you would never have to feel bad again.
I love you so fucking much...
I think I would die if anything
bad were to happen to you...

I love you more then cats love catnip...

-your forever and always,

I cleaned up your apartment a bit...
I hope you don't mind.


Me -&gt; 2012
insane in the mebrane
mighty mouse dot org

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